Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
