i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
In America we eat man semen.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
