He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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