Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
