A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
