I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
