I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
