I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
