At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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