Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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