I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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