Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
