Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
