I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
