Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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