Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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