i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
