the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
