I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
