All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
this boner is exhausting
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
