Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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