True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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