Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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