i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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