My vagina just recognized that song.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
