and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
