she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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