dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
