yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
