It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
where are my eyebrows?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
