i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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