ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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