he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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