its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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