My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
