are you so shy because you have an std?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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