my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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