The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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