oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
