we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
