I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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