Best friends brother. Beat that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
