after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
false alarm, still single
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
