The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
