another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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