I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
