the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
