my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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