I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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