I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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